One thing God is trying to teach me… to not be afraid of what people think… about what I do and what I say. He wants me to care more about what He thinks… about what I do and what I say. I want that too. But the fear creeps back. A lot.
Especially with this caregiving role I find myself in.
Over the weekend I was reminded of something that helped me put it in perspective… it was a similar role my mother filled for my grandparents.
Papa never wanted to be a burden. He told me one day, “honey, just put me out to pasture… throw a little hay over the fence now and then’. He was kidding of course, but not by much.
Nany was the opposite. She had no intention of “going to pasture”. She wanted to stay in her home with her things and do everything she’d always done… even tho it had been years since she’d been able to do much of anything.
My aunt and uncle, mom and dad, did their best to look after her in her own home as long as they could. Years after Papa died and when they could no longer give her the level of care she needed… arrangements were made to move her. But the process was no piece of cake!
The final day came… mom and dad arrived to pick up the last odds and ends, the TV set and her. They were in the process of loading the TV in the back of their van when the police rolled up.
They were told to “put down the tv” and show their ID. The “female caller” inside had just reported her TV “in process of being stolen”.
After talking to my folks and to Nany, the police realized what was happening… apologized to mom and dad for any embarrassment. Mom and Dad put the TV back in the house, kissed Nany good-bye and left it total mortification, frustration, and any other “tion” you can think of.
Next morning she called them. She was ready to go. She and her tv set made it to assisted living… a day late, but they made it.
I remember at the time feeling so sorry for her. From 600 miles away I was a wealth of ideas on what mom and dad could have, should have said… what they could have, should have done.
At the time I really had no clue. I didn’t know how exhausted they were trying to please a person who would not be pleased… I didn’t know how many ideas they’d already tried… I didn’t understand the relationship between them, unique to them.
But I do now.
And I’m sorry, Mom. Never should have judged you.