I’ve had a problem getting words on paper lately. It’s been a problem for a while actually… started last October when my life changed so dramatically.
My bossy inner critic keeps telling me I have nothing to say – to just keep quiet. The word police have arrested me…. “you can’t say that“. So in the effort to push on, I’ve identified a few recurring thoughts…
1. I don’t like change. It sucks. I always told my sons that God has a plan and purpose and not to worry… apparently I’ve not been good at applying my own advice to me. But I’ve been through all kinds of change. Why do I have to go thru more? Maybe because I just went through it and missed some of the actual change part. This is a very real possibility.
2. I love my husband more than I thought I did. This has absolutely nothing to do with writing… I just happen to be thinking of it right now. From a long married person like me, this statement might sound odd. But truly, I have a new appreciation for the guy. One other time I felt this way was when we moved to Alaska and all we had was each other to depend on. You really draw close in times like that. And this is a time like that.
3. I love my “stuff” more than I want to admit. My husband is a collector… of everything. He can’t pass up a bargain or a yard sale sign. “Let it all go, it’s only stuff” I tell him over and over. “It’s people who matter”. But now that my own stuff is packed, and I miss it all terribly, and I have one very needy person to matter about… I don’t like it. I don’t like it one little bit. And I don’t like that I don’t like it.
4. I am learning I must love the hard… not just the easy. I was born into a easy-to-love family. The husband and I created our own easy-to-love family. I’ve volunteered, given to the poor, opened my checkbook and my home. I’ve had to forgive. I’ve been forgiven. I thought I knew all about love. Yet somehow I managed to evade the one person/one thing that is hard to love. And I’m pretty sure God doesn’t give us the evasion option when it comes to love.
Since I’m old now, I wonder when I’ll get it all straight? Maybe never. Maybe we keep figuring it out till we hang up our boots…
And I’ve been needing boots. Outside work boots. So the husband bought me some and I squished my way through the muddy yard. The boots are comfy. They make me feel like a real country girl. Plus, I stepped in deer pooh, which makes it official. And I like it.
I like it a lot.