It takes me awhile to process things. I “mull”, I debate inwardly over and over again, which is why I am just now coming to terms with January 1st.
January 1st was our family Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years all rolled into one. A lot of expectation for one little day.
It was the day we had most of our kids and most of our grandkids gathered round.
I LOVED IT….
and I didn’t….
…..because we also shared that day with dementia…. the one who says inappropriate things and does inappropriate things. And I spent time looking after her when I would rather have held a grandchild or enjoyed a grown-up conversation with a grown-up son…. one I barely got to visit with.
…and then I forgot to take pictures of everyone at the table…..and I missed seeing some of the gifts opened…..and I’ve not one single picture of Robert.
January 2nd I sat at the empty table… except for the crumbs …and the cute little snow babies. They glow when you turn them on.
I turned them on.
And I whined at God. I know I asked for more direction and purpose in my life, but is this really it? Did the unpleasant thing that happened yesterday really have to happen on my one and only day with family?
January 3rd I had other things to focus on…. husband’s post-op appointment, the long drive, stopping in at his office, then home. HOME. Is that what this is? I still grit my teeth when I pull in the driveway.
January 4th the fog I’ve been living in began to lift a little. Good thing – my teeth can’t take any more “gritting”.
January 5th was quiet. No verbal arrows launched at me that day. Almost all signs of Christmas packed away.
On January 6th, it might have been coincidence, but I don’t think so. I read Ann’s blog which spoke of epiphany, the day the Christian calendar reflects on the Wise Men arriving in Bethlehem, to kneel in the muck of a barn… to worship Christ.
Epiphany – – “manifestation of God“.
I can’t imagine giving birth in a barn… the mess, the smells. Yet that’s where Christ chose to enter our imperfect human world. He met us in the lowly, the humble, the messy.
And he meets me in that same manner everyday… when I pay attention.
Now, I’m still “mulling” on all this. There are things that frustrate and I don’t understand, but I know will work out. I just don’t know how. And I guess, I really don’t need to.
I just need to meet Him… and trust. And I think I’ll ditch the “mulling” and the “gritting” – they’re not helping.
January 6th I also read Draw Near by Kathleen Dillard. She writes in Day 6 – Giving Him your all –
For the kingdom of this world is filled with many things that leave a muddy smear; and when you let your mind dwell on these things, a heaviness and dullness creeps in like a sudden fog. And this is why I have told you, ‘whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things’. Scripture reference Philippians 4:7-8
And I do have an abundance of excellent things to think on……..